sawa bona


sawabona2

The way in which we say “Hello, how are you?” lacks a certain depth. Often I am greeted in an automatic, rather perfunctory way and the person asking isn’t really paying attention to my response.

It was asked to be polite, to make small talk as such. The boring stuff. There certainly was no depth in the question and no commitment in wanting to really know.

Often when in such situations, I find myself equally in an automatic mode when responding. I often say ‘Yeah, I’m not too bad or I’m fine thank you” when in reality I may not be. I may be feeling extremely shitty that day, bruised or bone-tired. Now I’m not only forced to be some android and respond in a similar robotic fashion but I have to pretend to smile too when responding! Way too much energy. And I’ve not even had breakfast yet………..!

Sometimes I wished people would only ask me how I am if they really want to know. That’s what I do. I don’t ask if I’m not interested. I would just say hello and that too if you’re lucky, or nod in acknowledgement! No point in pretending I think, I’m not part of that sheeple-behaviour and . I’m certainly not interested in assuming a standard and predictable manner in approach or in retort.

What I do want (and expect) from my relationships is honesty, sincerity, integrity, of keeping it Real!

I’m OK with discomfort. I don’t need a response that keeps me comfortable nor requiring further effort or engagement on my part.

Besides I’d know anyway if you were lying in your response to me. My intuition is spot-on!

Yesterday I was pleasantly reminded of tribes in South Africa where the people greet one another daily by saying “Sawa bona”, which literally means “I see you.” Isn’t that lovely? I SEE YOU. I see you. I see YOU.

The response is “Sikhona” which means “I am here”.

This exchange is important and to me a very meaningful one. This exchange certainly HAS depth. It denotes that when you ‘see’ me, you bring me into existence. And when you ‘see’ me you may also see that I am bruised and bone-tired. You will see this because you are wanting to see, you are looking and you want to know. You want to know because you really do care about me. You care deeply about our encounter for you too want to be seen for who you are.

It’s so simple. And this is what we all need. It is a powerful intrinsic human need for validation; a need we all share. It is far more humane and vital. It supports our wellbeing and our sense of belonging.

So from my heart to yours, Sawa Bona.

sawabona

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life is in the right, always


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I try everyday to live my life with trust, faith and acceptance with what is and less of what I want it to be. It’s not always so easy to do and dealing with my control freak within is an ongoing, constant battle! But, and there is always a but, there are words of wisdom that exist from those who have lived and gone before us. Rilke, is one of them for me, and his words below help me with trusting life; maybe they will for you too? Wherever you are today, I wish you meaningful, fulfilling and blessed hours.

What should I say about your tendency to doubt your struggle or to harmonize your inner and outer life? My wish is ever strong that you find enough patience within you and enough simplicity to have faith. May you gain more and more trust in what is challenging, and confidence in the solitude you bear. Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right in any case.

Furnborg, Jonsered, Sweden, November 4, 1904
Letters to a Young Poet

dukkha


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This morning with sleepy eyes, I read a helpful article, courtesy of Facebook.  Not all articles I read are helpful but this one was.  It was basically very simple, 3 Buddhist beliefs (there’s always 3, or 7 or 10 principles that can magically transform your life but these 3, I liked) that could speak to us all universally, regardless if we practiced Buddhism in our lives or not.  Last night my heart was heavy when I went to bed, but I held on to the knowing that had proven true in the past — in that nothing stays the same and all things shift.  Sometimes clichés, tediously over-used as they can be, do offer some solace.  So this morning I did indeed awake to a lighter sense of being, and it wasn’t because I hadn’t had breakfast yet; I don’t normally anyway, not till I get in to work.  But it was lighter because I read this helpful article.  Carrie, I think, shared it on her Facebook page.

Anyway, the article.  It talked about life, this glorious thing called LIFE; it being painful and causes suffering.  Dukkha as it’s known.  A word used by Buddhists, but not just Buddhists as it is also used by many others in their own languages. It isn’t saying, albeit pessimistically, that life is suffering, so end of and deal with it.  I told someone recently that I’ve started this blog, started writing online and I told him that it was mostly about life, love and bastards!  I laughed a little when I said it and I could hear the smile in his voice.  He said ‘well, that’s life isn’t it?!’ I guess he’s right, to an extent.  It is not ALL there is to life, no, I’d like to believe there are good things too.  But it is the acceptance of the more challenging emotions and experiences, that makes life, life.

Loss, anxiety, sadness, heartache, they appear and then disappear, only to reappear again. Like a trusted friend. Like a familiar shadow. Like a bad smell.  So I know this.  Yet I suffer. Why? I’m not just a sucker for punishment.  I don’t find happiness in my unhappiness so I ask myself why.   Why does society suffer with difficult emotions?  Why was Prozac nation born?  Why hasn’t it died? Why do we avoid or supress difficult emotions with anything we can get our hands on – fluoxetine, Ritalin, Paxil, Citalopram, Xanax, Valium, pinot, shiraz, merlot, crack, popcorn etc.?  We actually end up creating even more suffering in our lives by trying to avoid or suppress these troubling emotions that cause us to suffer so. We know all this but yet we reach out for things that suppress these troubling feelings; to numb ourselves, to medicate, to not feel.

So yes, our lives are inevitably filled with things we rather not go through, but we can’t stop it, well not permanently anyway.  All fixes are quick fixes and the results merely fleeting. Maybe, just maybe, there’s nothing to fear? Society in large is partly to be blamed for the idea that life should be easy and pain free. When I say society, I am referring to the media, pharmaceutical companies, fashion magazines, cosmetic surgeries, cosmetic surgeons, reality TV, them lot.  The ones who try and brainwash you in thinking that you are one messed up individual but HEY, YOU CAN BE FIXED FOR A PRICE!  And for those of us who buy that, who believe that, and on a level we all do and more so when we are alone and vulnerable and in a dark place, we therefore think if we are not experiencing the ‘good life’ then we must be broken.  I must be broken.  I must be flawed, messed up on some deep, unrepairable, level.

But then again society is also made up of You and Me (and Marley). The ones who care and think deeply about stuff and who want to do some good with the time we have on this planet and be kind not just to ourselves, but to each other.

So to the person who told me that writing about life, love and … is, well, part of life, I thank you!  You may never see this but I’d like to say that I don’t fear these things any-more.  I don’t fear (not as much) my suffering nor seek answers where they can’t be found because all of this futile attempts keeps me in a hole I have no wish to spend my life in. I have learnt, I continue to learn.  I am not buying into the idea that I’m broken (neither are you by the way).  I’m trying to accept life on its terms, trusting that life is always in the right because deep down, in spite of what I may think, feel or wish for, life IS in the right.  And one day I’ll know why and how this is true.  But one day is a long way away.  I need something now.  So for today I’ll remind myself to say hello to imperfection, give a nod to the things unresolved, open my heart to uncertainty and try not to close off, to live with my many questions that reside in my heart. I hear Rilke’s words of wisdom whisper quietly to me now as I type this.  So I’ll end with his words that have helped me.  I have his quote on a fridge magnet.  It’s on my fridge (!) and has been for the last 13 years.  I am no poet, no Rilke, nor writer, but I must say that damn, it has felt good to get all of this stuff, onto a page (or two). If you’re still here with me, thank you for your company. I wish you well.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”