i was ready to die


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‘Working with the British public is particularly hard. They’re very sarcastic. They’re easily bored.’ Photograph: Mike McGregor Mike Mcgregor/PR

Marina Abramovic is a talented artist 🎨 whose work is raw and poignant. If I were an artist I would be like her. Bare and vulnerable. Tough yet fragile. Loud but silent. Serene yet turbulent. You may have heard of her Moma exhibition and her relationship with Ulay. When I first saw him, I thought you idiot. You let a woman like that go?! You fool. I still think it. Why? Well because I am a woman. I know this stuff!

Marina says it so well, she could be speaking for me:

From a very early time, I understood that I only learn from things I don’t like. If you do things you like, you just do the same shit. You always fall in love with the wrong guy. Because there’s no change. It’s so easy to do things you like. But then, the thing is, when you’re afraid of something, face it, go for it. You become a better human being.

What’s the cost?

“Ah, a big one. Lots of loneliness, my dear. If you’re a woman, it’s almost impossible to establish a relationship. You’re too much for everybody. It’s too much. The woman always has to play this role of being fragile and dependent. And if you’re not, they’re fascinated by you, but only for a little while. And then they want to change you and crush you. And then they leave. So, lots of lonely hotel rooms, my dear.”

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Ulay and Abramović split up in part because she was moving ahead of him as an artist, something he reflects on rather bitterly in the documentary, saying caustically that she became “very ambitious” after they separated. Of course he’d say that. The ego is a precious thing, both foe and friend.

Yet her words of loving the wrong man rings true. The loneliness is so aptly captured, it hurts. Being too much seems to be a problem. But is it? I’d say no, no, NO. A man who is worth your salt will come to you, will run to you because you are YOU, too much and never enough. Those who run away, well they were never enough for you anyway. If you are too much, well they may just be too little.

Marina’s dream remains. She dreams to have this perfect man, who does not want to change her. She says:

But my dream is to have those Sunday mornings, where you’re eating breakfast and reading newspapers with somebody. I’m so old fashioned in real life, and I’m so not old fashioned in art. But I believe in true love, so perhaps it will happen. Right now, no, I have no space. But life has been good to me. Lots of pain. But it’s OK.

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justme

I'm a woman living in London and this blog captures what lands within my sight and connects with my psyche. I expect it to evolve naturally. It is a place I shall visit from time to time and where things that I am touched by deeply will find a soft place to land. As a psychotherapist and a continuing student, most of the articles you shall find here will somehow, in some way, be related to therapy and well-being. I love comments, so feel free to add yours, whenever and however. I wish you well.

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